Dec 2014

Here I am again today.. at the same old spot i use to hang out 6 years ago.

I make myself easy and comfy on the top floor.. overlooking the crowd downstairs and pass-byers as what i did the last time.

Suddenly, I enrolled myself in a flashback.

I saw a young girl, sitting and starring out of the window over her coffee, smiling to herself and looking out at her watch impatiently at the same time..

She was waiting for someone, something -- and now, she is still waiting but for a different person and different future.

I was so young, so real when i last sat here, building and making up stories as i see what others are doing on the streets.

I look down and to my laptop noticing a baby bump that is not quite hidden for now.

I realized i was waiting for something that i didnt expect 6 years ago.

Something that I never thought it would be in 2014.

What a year.

Started off the year like a roller-coaster and now i realized that i am getting off at the stop eager to start another ride.

I never knew I would come back here and sit at the same place looking back.
I never thought i would marry him
I never thought he would mean so much to me.

I never expected i would be waiting for him.

Out of all the people i had waited and been waiting for - i just realized, he is the only one that made me wait with a smile.

Guess life is just filled with surprises.

He was the quiet one in the room which i never thought i would strike a 2nd conversation with.
He was in the corner, keeping to himself and which i never thought he would come forward and ask for a picture during graduation.
He was the one texting me which i never thought he would have the guts to ask me out.
He was the one who told me he would do his very best to keep that smile on my face which i doubted in the first place.
He was the one who asked for my hand, which caught be totally off guard.
He was the one who teared and did not freak out or swayed away when i told him i am pregnant.
He was the one who went to all of the maternity check ups with me and comforting me when my hormones decided to bully me.

He was the one, who looked me in the eye and say "I DO", letting me rule his life when he hates even when others question him what did he do or where did he go.

He told me on a Sunday morning that he could not believed that i am lying next to him, giggling over our silly jokes and QnA sessions.


I looked at him and smiled, whispering, "me too, I love you, Yi Han"

三色红绿灯

我听在红绿灯前 发现我没有那么期待红灯转绿
想起之前的我 如此迫不及待的等待绿灯 眼泪不禁流下

拍拍自己的肩膀 轻轻的说 加油，再坚强点
学习不再等待
学习不再介意
学习不再期待
学习不再让世界为他打转
。。。。。

每个人都说结婚后的男人都不一样，我一直都不相信
一直到我看到了他的信息
并不是什么大不了，只是对朋友的一些埋怨
埋怨自己失去了单身的自由

我承认我爱胡思乱想
可是真的能让我不胡思乱想的男人
我看我这辈子再也不会遇上

改变 不是为了迁就别人
是为了自己能过得开心点。

累了就放手吧 不要等到倦了才选择失去

And then I found myself starring at the blank screen on my laptop.

There are so many thoughts floating in my head which I cant even remember which part of the memories I revised and which I left out.

But then I realize I keep questioning myself -

Why do we need to feel attached to someone even if he is already taken or single?

Why cant we just be so independent that we can live alone, watch a movie alone and do groceries alone?

Why cant we have our emotions kept within ourselves and protected against the world that is trying invade your happiness?

I keep having this images of the happy days - but I realize now that those are images that actually bring tears.

Is it true after every storm there is a rainbow and after a rainbow there is the storm again? Both of them cant live without each other.

Can I just give up and move on - leaving all the emotions I have behind and not shedding a tear as i take a step ahead ?

Can I not mind what decisions you make or even try to push myself to look as if everything is fine for me?

And again, I cant find a title for this post.

原来马桶是要经常刷洗的

有位男性朋友，某天跟我说，
他终于在离婚后发现，
原来马桶是要经常刷洗的。
原来照顾一对子女，
竟然要花费如此多的心力。
而且要失去自由！
我问他： “你前妻现在过的好吗？” 他说：“她在离开我后，
嫁给一个老外，过的很幸福。”
我接着又问：她没回来看过孩子吗？”
他平静的说：“没有。”
“她不爱小孩吗？自己生的哦！”
我不解。这位朋友开始喝着酒，
对我娓娓道来，
他与前妻间的种种。
妻子是个不错的女人，
虽然婚前爱玩，但是婚后一改从前，
过着非常居家的生活。
第一个孩子出生后，
他经常早出晚归，
说是为了生意交际应酬。
妻子体谅男人在外工作的辛劳，
并无怨言。 第二 个孩子出生了，
他更是经常晚归，甚至在外过夜。
妻子希望他能多一些时间陪她陪孩子，
而他总是以事业为藉口，
依然我行我素。
婆婆是个保守具有古老思想的女人，
婆婆总认为儿子的种种，
皆是妻子做的不好的缘故，
于是对妻子的态度非常冷淡。
结婚八年，妻子终于对他下达最后通牒。
妻子对他说：“结婚八年了，
你为这个家付出了什么？
为我做了什么？”
他醉醺醺的说：“我每天辛苦赚钱给你们，
为了生活打拼，
这些还不够吗？”
妻子说：“你认为这样就够了吗？
一个女人要的就只是这样吗？”
他不满的表示：“不然你还要什么？让你不愁吃穿，生活无忧，
天天待在家里，想做什么就做什么？有几个女人比你过的好？”
妻子痛心的说：“结婚这些年来，
你根本看不到我的付出，
看不到我的苦。
你不知道为何你的孩子忽然间长大懂事，
你把一切看成是那么的自然。”
他不满的表示：“我没付出？
没照顾你？给你钱花的是谁？
孩子会长大不是*
我辛苦赚钱抚养的吗！”
妻子漠然无语，
她知道这一刻该觉醒了。
终于，她提出离婚，
无条件的离婚，
不要小孩不要钱，
只想离开这个浪费她生命的男人，让她不快乐的男人。
故事说到这里，
我这位男性朋友低着头不说话了。我想是他喝太多了吧？
拍了拍他的背……
“你知道吗？从离婚后，
我一直想为孩子及自己，
找个可以代替他母亲的人。
但是，我喜欢的，孩子都不喜欢。
” 我问他：“是不是孩子第一眼不喜欢的，你就不要了？
”他点点头…… 他开始自言自语了”，
我到现在才知道，
原来孩子不会自己长大，
我母亲其实是很不可理喻的；
原来家事是如此繁重，
原来带着两个小孩根本哪里也去不得，
原来马桶会那么干净是有原因的。
” 他开始痛哭……我则陷入沉思中。
我知道有些男人是永远学不会去爱一个女人的，
有些男人需要女人，
只是因为他们缺乏一个保姆，
只是缺乏一个菲佣或者是需要一个传宗接代的工具。
我的那位男性朋友一直不能相信原来马桶是需要清洗的。
到后来自己蹲在厕所洗马桶时，
才发现有一个女人曾经对他如此重要。。。。